Last time I wrote was about 4 years ago, and the theme of my last post was loneliness and being alone. I have already healed most of my physical ailments, doing the detox routine that made most sense to me, the fruit diet which I am currently still on, for 5.5 years, with the new addition of raw vegetables and salads. In 2020, right as everyone became fearful from life, ran, and hid, I returned to my previous job, the one that has initially caused my illnesses due to an exposure to a soup of chemicals that they tossed at me, figuratively speaking. These agents were gone and I was safe and healthy enough to return on the day that I saw storefronts shut down in midday right before my eyes. It’s been a blessing to be back at a job that I do well, that I enjoy, and that provides me with proper pay and benefits. In some senses I gained my life back!
In other aspects I was losing. Having known what it takes to heal the body from chronic debilitating illness, from scratch, all natural, I knew what lay ahead of me. I tasked it upon myself to halt teaching people about natural health, and got on the forefront of the fight against the mainstream narrative, that threatened to take us all down. I did my best to counteract the fear and misinformation propaganda. My work was defined as essential, and as everyone was locked in at home I traveled the world, exempt from restrictions. It saddened me to see humanity being so docile, compliant, and naive. It took nearly all my time and effort to try to teach people what I knew. As time progressed, and coercion emerged, it took most of my mental energy and effort. I was completely immersed in getting correct, verifiable, and scientific information out there because it was and mostly still is hidden from the mainstream. I became engaged in the battle over the public mindset. I participated in numerous protests, I lost countless hours of sleep, and spent much too many hours on trying to deprogram minds that were captured by falsehoods. As much as I wanted to have been activated by love, I was activated by fears, and was determined to not let anything stand in my way from keeping myself and my family safe. In that sense, due to my large efforts, I succeeded.
I’ve been proud of my efforts, but not always of my approach, my disregard to other people’s emotions, and inability to see the other point of view. I was too busy dwelling on feeling like I’m see through, abandoned by my communities which denied me access, belittled, segregated, discriminated against, put to shame, and betrayed. I became bitter somewhat, and grew even more mistrusting of humanity than I was before. I’ve also managed to meet an incredibly large amount of wonderful people, and in the same breath, I lost most of those who I used to call friends. In 2021 I begun a more spiritual journey. My diet was already set in stone, not needing modification, my symptoms gone, and my sleep which was very disturbed and hard to come by my entire life, miraculously shifted to become 100% on point. Speaking my truth loud and proud probably contributed greatly to this change. With it, more vivid and lucid dreams followed. I started to get literal messages before I fell asleep, in my dreams, and interpreted what I would in the past as nightmares, as message gifts from other realities. I saw the past and the future, and begun to travel to other dimensions, my dreams felt real.
I also started reading more books and gaining insights with one of my newer and closest friends. We’ve been on a path that lead us to discover amazing truths together. We practiced meditations, visualizations, and other disciplines which helped me gain more peacefulness and relax. Since I no longer needed to focus on healing the body, I was available to focus on healing the soul. I noticed this duality between being aware of all the light, and living in a world that has much darkness. I got stuck in a pattern of casting blame and anger, yet trying to move forward into a path leading towards forgiveness. It’s been draining.
Recently I had a confrontation with my immediate family members and had my past came to surface. This recent trigger is what brought me back here. See, before communicating my discontent with my family for the lack of reciprocity between us, I was content enough emotionally to not be so compelled to bring my thoughts into writing. I also was entirely engulfed in the savior complex, thinking presumptuously that I can or have the right to save others from themselves. I am finally at a point of being emotionally disturbed and offended enough to want to embark on an emotional healing journey. I know that the problem is rooted two things. First, my perpetual feeling of inadequacy and lack of belonging which I’ve always had, and second, my core beliefs of not feeling worthy enough of being loved, and of living. This stemmed in my continuous effort to try and prove myself, over give, spend too much of my time and money on others, and never really get much from them in return. It took blatant disregard towards me to bring it to surface. I am so very proud of myself for clearly communicating my boundaries, and setting the truth straight, including the painful fact that throughout my illness I was alone, without my family’s support. At this point in time I know enough though to not take it personally. I am grateful for this lesson. I needed this in order to bring up my buried emotions, in order for me to be able to deal with them. On a soul level it feels like I am ready to be done with operating through ego. I am moving in a new direction. I am ready to be free.
Journey to Health 